Going to sleep in Kenya and waking up in The Matrix

Ladies and gents, welcome to the twilight zone. This is an alternate universe we’re living in. We went to sleep in Kenya and woke up in the Matrix. Too bad there’s no Keanu Reeves. That would have sweetened the deal. Instead we have to contend with IGs and CSs, and yeah, the man who gives no bucks.

But at least when the Prez issues a stern statement, he does it clearly. In the Queen’s English, or the equivalent in Kiswahili. He doesn’t spare his words out of some misplaced empathy for your sensitivities. If he believes it’s your fault that your fellow Kenyans were taking selfies with you in the background, while you were being stripped and fondled by a lynch mob, he’ll come out and say it. Hii mambo ya kuanza na ma-selfie mtaacha.

He’ll tell you straight that you should take responsibility for the defilement of your 3-year-old because you should have been there to protect her. Because what? You expect an officer to be stationed in your house policing the loose morals of your relatives? Please have a seat.

So yes, my President shoots from the hip. He takes no prisoners. His Presidential Strategic Communications Unit (PSCU) on the other hand? Not so much. They are consistent in their mishandling of their core mandate. At this point they should just rebrand as the Presidential Strategic Unit…no, wait, that wouldn’t work either.

They moved on swiftly from their ‘tweef’ with Kenyans on Twitter (yup, that’s how they roll) and trained their sights on the Orange Democratic Movement (ODM), issuing a statement that should have been succinct and hard hitting, but instead was meandering, badly thought out and as shallow as puddle of water. And yeah, someone hit the send button without doing a spelling and grammar check.

As far as statements go – because words work wonders and action is overrated – the ODM statement wasn’t much better.

“This PSCU with its sometimes infantile, ill-informed, unprofessional attempts to speak for the Presidency has served only to anger, confuse, divide and become the laughing stock of Kenyans,” it read in part.

There must have been a memo that went out directing that a point can only be made when three adjectives are used in succession, so the PSCU responded in kind: “ODM’s statement on security and the State of the Nation is a most transparent, desperate and woefully inadequate fig-leaf to cover up its most spectacular failure: the fact that they have been unable to live up to the basic minimum of its loud pretences to democracy (sic).”

But what’s a triple word challenge to a strategic communications unit?

“ODM is a sick party, ravaged most woefully by its leadership, which routinely showcases violence, nepotism, intolerance, tribalism and hypocrisy as its governing values.”

What a mouthful of meaninglessness.

Forget the content of these long-winded, political hate latters, and consider for a moment that the leaders of both these institutions are going after each other like kids in a playground in full view of the public. To say nothing of the obvious dearth of leadership skills, that’s just plain, bad manners.

Besides being a thoroughly entertaining rap battle, what were the issues these statements were attempting to raise and resolve?

In its purported stock taking exercise, ODM raised security and corruption as its biggest gripes with the Jubilee coalition.

On matters security, the PSCU was in agreement: “We will reiterate this: there are issues with security in Kenya. We will also emphasise that Government’s efforts to set things right are ongoing in a systematic, institutional, rational and large-scale manner unprecedented in Kenya’s history.”

So yes, the GOK is doing something. We’re not sure what, precisely.

And ODM?

“We hereby resolve to join with like-minded parties…and embark on countywide meetings, rallies…informed by a common altruistic purpose for Kenya to save Kenya from the leadership failure that we bearing witness to right now (sic),” part of their statement read. Looks like ODM is doing, well…nothing.

On the bright side Messrs Kimaiyo and Lenku are out of a job. But now that they are gone, who will we blame when things remain the same?