If you want a man, accept one

Twitter is officially my new addiction. Ok so, maybe not so new but who’s keeping tabs? It’s an addiction. And this is a New Year, so why not? I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is. This is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to spend it in a sober fashion. But anyway, I was getting one of many Twitter fixes the other day when I came across what seemed like your garden variety ‘Where are all the good men’ article. Despite that, I followed the link, expecting to find the usual explanations and excuses. What can I say, articles that purport to explain men get me every time.

But when all was read and done, what I found was a very simple description of who a good man is. A good man is one who is willing to commit. That’s it. That’s all. Whether he’s tall, dark, wealthy and powerful is neither here nor there. And of no consequence if you can’t get him to put a ring on it. Or, if marriage is not your thing, to pledge to love you to the exclusion of all others, as long as you both shall live. If monogamy is not your thing (you never know these days – Linda, Cecelia etc), to the exclusion of all others might include an exception, or two, for as long as you all shall live.

So. For the purposes of this article, we can establish that a good man is one who will commit. But when we measure our stupendous expectations against the men within our reach, who are down for the ‘to-death-will-us-part’ thing, we figure we have better chances chasing the fantasy. We figure we can get Mr. Tall, Dark, Wealthy, Powerful (Possibly Unavailable), Savvy and Sophisticated to wait for us at the end of the aisle. There are easy solutions to this dilemma: Get over yourself and commit to the good man you’re with. Or, get over yourself and set standards that good men can reach.

Author Tracy McMillan in the masterpiece ‘Why You’re Not Married’ is funny, but brutally honest about women and the reasons why some of them are chronically single. Some of her more scathing reasons include, ‘You’re a bitch’, ‘You’re Shallow’, ‘You’re a Slut’, ‘You’re a Liar’ and ‘You’re Selfish’. If you’re single and honest, you will admit to being one or more of these things at some point in your development. But it’s a New Year, and the month of love, no less. What better time to embrace change? All these things can be altered without much ado. Her last reason however, stands alone. Perhaps the realest reason why you’re not married is because you don’t think you’re good enough. Because of that, you’re looking for a man who’s better than you. Such a man does not exist. Besides, as McMillan says, marriage is not about getting something – it’s about giving it.

You will never find a host willing to keep bleeding love. So you need to be in it for what you can give not what you can get. There are plenty of good men out there who are willing to give up their independence to spend a lifetime loving you. They may not come in the shiny box with a ribbon on top, but they are the perfect gift. And you are worth it. “You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is an obstacle to getting married,” McMillan writes.

As it turns out, you might be the obstacle to your own marital bliss. So, get over yourself and commit to the good man you’re with. Or, get over yourself and set standards that good men can reach.