Sexy is state of mind

For some reason, African Americans call curvy girls ‘thick’. For an African of the continental variety, the word is controversial, mostly because ‘thick’ also means dim and no one wants to be accused of being dumb. Especially when you’re a big girl, and people already think your thick – as in dim – because you’re dumb enough to keep on eating, when it’s obvious you should have stopped years ago. As you can see, I’ve got fat girl issues!

Issues that are bound to get worse after I’m done eating the truck load of food that will be delivered to me in intervals throughout the holiday season. Honestly, I can’t even talk as much as I used to because there’s always food in my mouth, thanks to all these ‘phat’ festive parties. It’s just not right, the amount of merrymaking people expect of you over Christmas and New Years – just not right.

Anyway, long story short, come January, many of us might have made the speedy transition from thin to thick, or God forbid, thick to thicker. I’m not any kind of prophet but I can predict that the New Year will come with all manner of resolutions to join the gym and shift the weight forever and for always. Or at least until Christmas comes around again.

I can also predict that the extra pounds will push our self-esteem into a tight, but cushioned corner. And when we force our self-esteem into a corner, it uses every good thing we ever felt about ourselves as a footstool. Our confidence. Our joy. And crucially, the knowledge of our innate sexiness.

We begin to feel like our inner vixen is buried so deep beneath the rolls of fat – whether those rolls are real or imagined – that she can never be resurrected. And we’ll feel that way, even as we try to exhume her slender frame via treadmill. In the scramble to lose the weight, we forget that sexy is an attitude. Sexy is as sexy does, whether she’s a size 8 or an 18. If it walks and talks sexy, dang girl, it’s sexy.

That’s our truth. Our reality is that we are not sexy for ourselves alone but for our men too. Rightly or wrongly, much of how we view ourselves as women is based on how we are viewed by the men we love. Maybe he likes you thick, maybe he likes you thin, or maybe he likes you in between. Whatever it is, when you veer to far away from his mark, you can start to feel that you’re not sexy at all, when in fact, your sexiness has just been repackaged. Whether you gain a couple of pounds or lose a few, you are still you.

How sexy you feel is all in your head – or your hormones – depending on what time of the month it is. All things being equal, if you’re owning your body, rolls and all, your husband/boyfriend/lover should fall in line like a dutiful duck. However, there are some men who will instead fall back on the old, “you were slim when I met you and that’s what attracted me to you” line. Those are the ones you should kick to the curb. If he loves you, he loves you, whether you gain five kilos or lose 20.

What you need to measure is your own sense of self-worth vis-à-vis any weight you may have gained or lost. When you find a number that makes you feel the sexist – all the while remembering that no matter what drivel Hollywood is spewing this week, zero is not a number – you have found your ideal weight. And ideal for you, should by all means be ideal for him. Happy Holidays!